Saturday, 19 September 2009

The mind goes to some strange places...

So, possibly because it's so very late, and possibly because whatever Derren Brown did to my mind had nothing to do with me sitting down, and so I can only assume had other nefarious purposes... whatever the reason, the sketches that I'm writing on spec to demonstrate to Quite Important Sketch Show that I can indeed make people laugh in a minute and a half or so... well, they've all gone a bit dark.

We started off with a child's face melting, then went on to a minor assault on a faded celebrity. Thereafter there was an iPod induced suicide, and we've just had a chicken carcass eating someone. Tomorrow I'll write up the other two, involving a small car crash and terrible profanity.

Worse, most of these are in some way inspired by the last week or so of my life. Except for the melty face, thankfully.

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Drunken Uncle Blog...

Yes, the once vibrant and verdant Deleted Scenes has become a Drunken Uncle Blog, turning up only at wedding discos with at least one more sheet to the wind than is advisable, and only then to talk loudly and constantly about himself and inappropriately say “fuck”.

Sidebar: when my brother one day has children, I will totally be that guy. I’m looking forward to it.

So... I have actually been up to stuff. Most notably in non-screenwriting life, I’ve had a car crash, my first and hopefully only car crash. Actually, crash makes it sound far more dramatic and end-of-Cold-Feet than it was; it was actually a very slow and annoying bump that barely bruised my knee, but which has nonetheless written off my beloved Corsa, Jimmy. I am absolutely going to stop naming inanimate objects, it makes me sad. It’s like taking the big metal blue dog to be put down. Evil insurance company is paying me far less than I think it’s worth. Finding it very hard not to spray-paint “FUCK YOU, VULTURES” on the windshield.

Screenwriting stuff: There’ve been a bunch of meetings, which has led to a bunch of pitching, which has kept me busier than I thought; making something sound good on one page is perversely much harder than just diving on in. Forgive me being vague: I don’t want to be like Quentin Tarrantino, forever talking about projects that never materialise, hence making it sound like I'm making everything up.

I’ve also attended my very first storylining day on someone else’s show which was very very fun and a little bit odd in a brilliant way: one of the people I was pitching to played Ludo in Labyrinth and Donatello in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I saved all my squee-ing until I was fully out of ear-range. Also, the hotel we were in was apparently owned by John Malkovitch. Like I said, odd, but also brilliant.

I then got stuck on a broken down train with a bunch of Plymouth Argyle fans whose entire vocabulary was reduced to mumblings about beer and imitating that Paul Whitehouse advert, which up until last night I kind of liked. This part of the day was less brilliant.

*Drunken Uncle Blog wanders off mumbling and props himself up at the hotel bar, attempting to chat up a bust of Venus*

Monday, 7 September 2009

District 9: One man's somewhat juvenile backlash...

The following adjectives can be applied to District 9, most of them retaining much of their accuracy with the prefix "massively":
  • Soulless;
  • Over-hyped;
  • Noisy;
  • Vapid;
  • Juvenile;
  • Racist;
  • Derivative;
  • Glib; and
  • Hypocritical.
But if you'd like to sit through a film that's the equivalent of being shouted at by a teenager for two hours, and then top it off with David Brent's revenge fantasy, be my guest. Everyone else seems to love it.