Monday, 16 November 2009

Here's the Thing...

On Jane Espenson's much missed blog, there's a great post about two-percenters: in short, jokes that almost nobody will get. When I was writing a few sketches recently, it turned out one of them was a total two-percenter; my geeky friends (which is ammitedly most of them) all thought it was very funny. Nobody else did. So here it is anyway. I expect 98% of you to hate it.

  • INT. EIGHTIES SITCOM HOUSE. KITCHEN - DAY
  • The house itself is picture perfect. The camera work is over saturated and very colourful, and there's canned laughter at every opportunity.
  • KURT RUSSELL, in his costume from John Carpenter's The Thing, is bumbling about in the kitchen, preparing dinner and chatting to THE THING, which is here rendered as an unconvincing plastic puppet, a la ALF.
  • KURT RUSSELL
  • Now, this is a very important dinner for me, so I don't want you doing anything to screw this up, okay?
  • THE THING
  • (Indecipherable alien gobbledy-gook)
  • Kurt has hands on hips, overacting.
  • KURT RUSSELL
  • Whaddaya mean, "like what"? What was eating next door's pet
    Chihuahua, chopped liver?
  • CANNED LAUGHTER, and more alien squealing from The Thing, which morphs into a Chihuahua with eye stalks.
  • Kurt takes a very tasty looking roast chicken out of the oven, places it on the work surface, then bends down to look through a cupboard.
  • KURT RUSSELL
  • Now, where'd I put that carving knife...?
  • He comes back up with the knife to find only the bones of the chicken remaining. The Thing gives a big burp. The canned laughter raises to HOOTS.
  • KURT RUSSELL
  • Thing! Why I oughta... what am I going to do now?
  • THE THING
  • (Alien squealing)
  • KURT RUSSELL
  • No. No way. Never. That is not gonna work...
  • 80'S STYLE CIRCLE WIPE TO:
  • INT. EIGHTIES SITCOM HOUSE. DINING ROOM - DAY
  • Kurt and his BOSS are at the dinner table, Kurt serving an apparently new and equally delicious looking chicken. The Boss takes a big chicken drumstick in hand...
  • THE BOSS
  • You know, Kurt, there's a lot of competition for this promotion and... say, this chicken smells delicious!
  • The Boss takes a big sniff of the drumstick. The drumstick develops a nasty fanged mouth and leaps on the boss, knocking him off his chair.
  • Kurt looks down over the table as the SOUNDS OF A COMEDY FIGHT echo through the dining room, him wincing and 'oooh'ing with every crash and bang. A fountain of blood spurts up from behind the table.
  • The remainder of the roast chicken on the table grows eye-stalks and six little crabby legs, and scrambles off.
  • Straight to camera and with a "not again" smile and head-shake:
  • KURT RUSSELL
  • You've gotta be freakin' kidding me!
  • The canned-audience laughs and claps.
  • TITLE CARD: HERE'S THE THING. LITTLE CARTOON DRAWINGS OF KURT AND THE THING.
  • The "Here's the Thing" jingle plays.

Friday, 13 November 2009

Shameless list of press releases...

Weeeeeeeell, hello there. How the devil are you? I know, I know, I've been negelecting you. Actually, according to my Google analytics, I've only been negelecting the perverts who turn up looking for stories of people having sex in Travelodges. Hi, perverts! How ya doing?

I do have actual blog posts planned on writing, with themes and everything, but I also have some career updating to do and that always sits kind of strangegly at the end of proper blog posts. Let's see... It's one week till comissioning rounds close for CBBC, and I have two pitches in there for the very first time, including one which you, my gentle readers*, told me to write in the first place. You must be so proud. So we'll see how those go.

I'm also writing an outline for another kids show, of which more here... that's all very exciting as it's the first time I'm working on something I've not just made up by myself, and therefore feels more like actual employment. All things being well, that should transmogrify** into a full script sometime soon. Unless I get fired, of course.

And... a meeting about a script that was previosuly all edgy and teeny has resulted into that probably being whitled into a pre-teen sitcom as well.

So, I seem to have turned into a children's writer over the past couple of months, which is lovely and fun. But just to keep a couple of rods in the fire, I also had a meeting about a script where someone gets murdered with an axe that also went quite well. Expect to see it on CITV next year!


*And perverts.


** Underused word, that.